WHY I AM CHANGING TEAMS

In His life, He’s humanity’s only perfection, in His death, He is humanity’s only salvation. John’s revelation, Joshua’s captain, Moses’ rock, Abraham’s hope, David’s conqurer, Gideon’s might and Samson’s strength.

I’ve been on the side that most people see easier, popular and comfortable. All the tales I have to tell are of heartbreaks, betrayals, pain, defeat and emptiness. They told me I could only live once. That I will not be young forever.That I could have fun and wealth. They promised me everything, and then took everything away even the little hope I had. They left when my star started dimming.
He tells me that He loves me despite my circumstances. That His glory is manifested in my weakness. That i am a daughter of a king, His princess. That I could live each day and each day, He will make the sun rise and set behind the mountains and if that’s not enough I can marvel at the storms and thunder. That He knew me before I was born and He is with me. That He takes care of the birds I so much love and that He will take care of me. He sees me wonderful and beautiful and I don’t even have to try. That he knows my fears and I should have faith in him. That when my faith is weak He will lead me to a rock that is higher than me.

He is the man who pens down beauty and destroys cities. The man who walked with David as he took down Goliath with just a stone and sling. The man who commanded the sun in all its might to stand still till he could bring victory to his sons. I may not know who is right. Or who is shortsighted, but I would rather be on his side anyday. In pain, in sickness in happiness and sorrows.science may argue otherwise but if the world was to take away every thing I had and left me with only hope, I know I would get comfort from His stories of love, of victory, of hope even after death. He offers me a promise and that is more than the world has ever given me.

So yes, I choose his side. I choose the side of He whose greatness surpasses the human heart.Of He who has the heart to love those whom the world loves to hate. Of He who listens to me in the deep of the night. Of He who sees my humanity and my mistakes and still calls me His. Of He who sees my dreams and hopes and my weaknesses and never judges. I choose to be on the side of He who has a history with victory. Because there I can find rest and peace…..

THE MIND OF A DREAMER…..CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR.

I am a dreamer. I have been for the longest time. My head is a literal think tank…where I am always coming up with ideas.some good ,some that require a good lawyer to do the damage control,ask my ex..some embarrassing, some insightful. Yesternight,I lay awake trying to figure out what resolutions I had for the year that is soon to end and how well I’ve achieved them.Truth be told,I cant remember..it must have been something to do with being more religious, being more social or being more industrious. How well have I achieved them.. ?The never ending drama in my life must have crowded that so maybe not so well.3cc8fbfa0832296dc037e588f75ab583

2015…no resolutions for me..maybe just sought out the rumble in my head.I always wonder if there is a really really smart person out there who knows the answers to everything,with 100% certainty.At some point, even the likes of Albert Einstein must have had a moment of self doubt. Maybe meeting this person would make life way easier.Being a dreamer is not easy.WE see things on a whole new perspective .I have my wedding and perfect boyfriend planned out on Pinterest..while in reality I do not have an actual boyfriend and my relationship with men has been something close to explosive,literally.Speaking of relationships,I am tired of reading magazines,the never ending movies and Facebook statuses on love. Should we brainstorm or something?My Pinterest says I should dump him then I should not let go ,which is which…its all so confusing.Clearly,someone should put finding a soul mate in the millennium development goals and save us all the trouble.In the meantime,I will continue being in a complicated relationship with Brad Paisley,Alan Jackson and Daughtry..the complicated part being they are not even aware of my existence.

In 2015,I want to have the ability to switch from deep and insightful to shallow and superficial once in a while #also read blonde.It is very conflicting to have a skeptical mind and a sentimental heart.It always ends in drama.And the worst drama-queens are the smart ones. You do not reason with a dreamer,so fall in love with one at your own peril.We sit down ,plan and execute.Normally, it never really ends well.I have a friend who has breakup ADD. It does not matter,if she dumped you or you did..she just does not take breakups very well.And not even the numerous articles on how to move on with her dignity intact can help.For her its,dignity out of the window…lets deal with this A*****e then we can discuss the consequences later.And she will haunt you…you better pray its not that time of the month  coz not even a security bill will save you .I am cut from the same cloth.Birds of a feather do flock together after all.In our heads,we are healing the world of the menace that has become Kenyan men.Fighting for the female gender.Most people don’t get it.They find it a bit extreme.But someone has to talk out for the millions of ladies who want to say it but would rather not.Thing about being shallow,conversations are easier..the sun rises and sets.Its that simple.A skeptical person..will bring in theories,religion,energies of life and nature,into what was supposed to be a simple conversation..making the other party who is most likely blank very uncomfortable.

I will try not to give an opinion even when it is clearly uncalled for ,like why i think your kind of music is immature.. There must be a r33bb92be2bb5f64e7954e2f3d7d6c581eason why silence is golden

I will also hold my birthday as a private affair, simple logic ….because age is catching up.This becomes apparent when you have more and more people, setting goals to achieve when they attain your age.PS.it is not kind..some of us ARE there. I do not take it kindly when people confirm your age and they give you a ‘you are growing old ,start investing in the stock market’ kind of look.When I was 12,I had this dream that 25 would be my stability age.The perfect picture..of a working professional..and maybe later a happy mother…with a picture perfect husband,,and a vacation in the Bahamas. You never realize how much of a struggle life is until you’ve hit..21,with a few more years in the shelf before graduating, in an extremely competitive world where jobs are hard to find as it is.As for finding a picture perfect husband,in the real world boys don’t run to the airport and stop you from flying out just because they cant live without you.(That is my idea of a perfect picture husband and yes I am aware that I will die single)You will be lucky to get a “have a safe flight message”. With the recent social status..the situation is more of disturbed mothers rather than happy ones.You narrow your vacation dreams to Mombasa,and even then you have to wait for security to stabilize .

It is a chaotic life.So instead of setting resolutions..I will probably never remember. I am planning on living more from intention than habit. I will not wish away perfectly good days wishing for better ones ahead. Less drama, less worrying and more living. Each dawn, will be a new day,to seek more opportunities,learn something different, smile more and live more. Show an actual interest in my studies that goes past exams.A good laugh,a dance,an occasional walk,maybe even buy a book more often or smile for the camera more .If its meant to be ,it will be..because eventually everything happens because fate had it so and it had a divine definition.

To all those, in my revenge plan for the year,…..keep praying the positivity lasts long enough to clear off my memory.

THE FORGOTTEN PATH….REVIVING CHARACTER

             There is that point in life where we are at crossroads. And the path we take defines us .An year ago I fell out with a close friend of mine…well a lot of friends actually but that is a story for another day. It was that point in life when nothing was working out well and people have a tendency of walking out when all the luck you have in your life, walks out. Nairobi was a chance for me to view life from another angle. 60e42635c6577c0ba254826524b2ec11A different one…It was at that point in life where life is so fussy and fast that you lose yourself in the vanities. Then, I thought it was change.A chance to become a better person and forget the past. It wasn’t really.It was just me running away and living in denial. Killing the true me.
                                    Nakuru has been an eye opener. It’s like life was taking me back to something greater than me. My point of crossroads. I was reading a story on Elizabeth Kosgey.A fairly normal woman and mother of two who withstood ridicule after a military recruitment programme, a job she had been retrenched from for being pregnant many years ago. She went back and was picked despite her age and the pessimists. Having to face a past you would rather not, and the fear of ridicule not to mention readjusting from my carefree city life, was my point of dilemma. It is at that point of life you find yourself at a crossroad. Nakuru placed me in the spot and I had to decide what persona, out of my many (and they are many) I had to take . I also met a young intern who was full of life (and the money of course) to squander…again my crossroad. The free drinks, nights out with friends, maybe I could have it all again. That weekend was an eye opener…
       angieYou would think people in professions such as medical ones are the pillars of our society and hope. Well not really. I’ve always thought doctors are demigods, people who are closer to God and should live a life befitting that. My intern…was the typical Casanova who beds a girl every weekend and drinks as if the world is coming to an end, not to mention the complete lack of anything meaningful in his life save for a fancy medical degree, and probably the brains to go with it. We must give the devil his due. The compassion, heart and character that befits his position..not there at all. There was nothing to look up to,nothing to admire.

Then came my friend..His is another story. A promising student who despite conquering his academic setbacks…spends half his days drunk and high on weed with the never ending bevy of girls who in their minds are dating him. I learnt he dumped his girlfriend angie2after she became pregnant and the poor girl had to abort. I couldn’t help but wonder, what drives a man to such limits. He is living an awesome life with no regrets, his words not mine. This is a guy, I would have vouched for and with the potential of creating the difference maybe sometime in the future.
                                                         Looking at these two guys, it’s a reflection of what our society has amounted to. A sex crazed generation, with no roots ,no values and no character. Was this what I wanted to become? Young men and women who were clearly born intelligent but at some point of crossroads, they took the wrong turn?  7fb2c82685b993ef73e13450db04176f  What kind of environment teaches a 15 years old high school boy to rape and kill a 7 years old girl? Most of my friends argue that I am not God? Who am I to judge? A wise man once said character and personality are born out of true education. We are losing mentors and people we can look upto.Losing the meaning of true living. Losing the concept of manhood and womanhood. Losing our humanity. If a well trained doctor sees no problem with drinking his life away at the age of 23 and objectifying girls eager to spend his money? Then what difference does education make? What hope is there for the young infants being born. If the future CS of Health of this country has no qualms about being unaccountable for his sexual mistakes, then what moral standing does he have to talk about the ever rising insecurity in our country? What right and moral standing will we have to tell his sons that, they can be great people, that stripping women off their dignity is wrong, that education is important.
I am not God and I am not judging. We all make mistakes. But that weekend I decided I want to be the change I want to see. I want to be more than my dreams of wealth and power. I want to be part of the hope of a dying culture, because culture afterall is coded wisdom. I want to live life in the fullest. That weekend, I decided I want to be something greater than fun Friday nights. That I will not stand back and let the brave ones surge forward to claim the prize meant for me. That truly in this big beautiful world, God or nature intended so much more for us than living under the shadow society and Hollywood has created to avoid accountability. If that makes me a misfit, so be it. But wrong will never be right just because everyone is doing it.Sometimes our demons come in form of light and liberation. I will be accountable for my mistakes…I will be a beacon of hope.
                               IMG_20141215_152031 A beacon of hope for my little two year old neighbor in my village, who marvels at simple technological advancements such as laptops and who has never known wealth, pizza or what lies beyond my green quiet county or our silently awakening village. I want her to grow up knowing she is a woman and that is a gift. That in her hands she has the power to cultivate worlds and be whatever she wants to be. I want her to see the beauty in the soil at dusk just like Wangari Maathai.I want her to walk unaware of the fragile egos of men. I want her to be beyond the ridicule of society and know that it is okay being who you are, without having to look like a run way model. I don’t want her to be an empty -headed, self obsessed, educated fool. I want her to be shielded from all the noise and the clutter I have seen this four years and she can live through her mistakes and be stronger. I want her to know the enlightment that comes from reading books, intellectual conversations, and music. I want her to get a qualitative education that goes past social media. Most of all, when her time to choose comes..I would not want her to choose to be a stupid girl.
The misfits invent, heal, explore and create. It is they who push the human race forward. So when you get to that point where you choose who you want to be, be wise, be insightful and choose wisely…No one knows where any path leads ..but when the dark sets in, just think which path would you rather be on? Perhaps you will crawl home defeated but just imagine the story?
That you were bold..In a society of cowards2cc5f41b8892015a136f2d7655b3151c
That you were wise…in a society of educated fools
That you heard..While everyone played deaf
That you were you …when everyone was else was auditioning for roles of how to live their lives.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL and if you in nyeri and you dont mind the extra calories …karibu mbuzi

FREE SPIRIT OF THE NIGHT:BETTER AS A MEMORY

Reliving the scene again…just when she thought it was all over, the pain, the scars and the lessons. They seem to follow her. The gypsy souls. This time she wonders if it will be different. One look at him, and she can tell…he is a man who cannot be moved… a free spirit that knows no boundaries and knows no home.4ec0b92e083d7a5daddccc1d2f249df3  

The years would have made her wiser but no…. She’s a lover and a runner. They say once bitten twice shy…but how do you turn away from the excitement and danger that comes along with a gypsy soul. So tonight she lays herself bear…in the comfort of a man she can never have…and knows only too well when dawn sets…it will all fade .The intense look, the passion, the hope. Never knowing the possibility. For you can never tame that which was meant to be wild. Only hope, hope that it will be different. Hope that when dawn sets, she will run and he won’t run faster. But tonight she will build on the memories…for when dawn comes he will be better as a memory whose story only the horizons can tell. The night is evil and beautiful and Tonight she will be the lover……
                                                                                                          We’ve all had those nights..the deadly nights when you fall in love with a dreamer. Those who make the night seem endless. Built to fade like our favorite song……who move with the wind just like a bad storm. They might stay and they might as well leave. f5348823b91808ffa68b46422afd32e9Those you break but they will never bleed. Honest to a fault despite whom they hurt. Easy to lean on …..but the fall is inevitable. Wary you should be. Their script never predictable despite how good you are. They have you spinning and before you know it you are standing still .Always sure, always confident…always ready to shoulder their mistakes and move on.
  26cfc60452d8ad1068503db18e5187d2   One day you are going to find someone…who won’t be a losing hand. Then you will know it’s right and your search is done……and at that moment you will understand that it was a part of the passing through,,,and that he was better as a memory than as your man.

Inspired by Kenny Chesney…..and dedicated to my dear friend..”puede encontrar el amor y el calor”

HAIL TO FATHERHOOD

        Am sitted in the library,and I find myself picking out people who would make great dads…Before you jump to the conclusion that am having a”baby bug” am not even sure that exists…no i ain’t.Am one of the few people(or many)who cant stand libraries..the eerie silence and sound of flipping pages,the mean guard whose stare is enough to make you think twice about talking…and I certainly don’t like whispering.That is how I ended up thinking about fatherhood….I hope my mum will never read this otherwise I will be summoned home for “the talk”So fatherhood……
9521a7c1d808cc7e9402154988444081We all have those fond memories about the men in our lives,by men I do not mean the boys half of us are dating who cannot be of any help if a fire broke out#ask the guy in the lift who started wailing he did not want to die when a lift went dysfunctional,funny sad and TRUE story,he joined the CU team a week later.Am talking of our fathers ,uncles,husbands and grandfathers.Men who have nurtured us, stood by us and have been an important corner stone into the building of the people we have turned out to be.
                         I’ve been accused of being feminist or bitter towards men…you really cant blame me but today I hail the men.I grew up with a wonderful father.Was he perfect…certainly not,but he was and still is a great father.I remember him in every phase of my life.Him carrying me on his shoulders,frequent trips to the slaughter house where he ran a business which i found very fascinating,to the many hours in garages(my dad has a thing for old cars that will need months with mechanics before they start running and not even my mums years of criticism can make him drop his hobby)#now you know where I get the testosterone from…He attended every parents meetings in school,even that cursed day I got suspended for laughing in parliament#yes i still find that really silly so I prefer saying it was for something ninja -like,maybe standing up to my principal:He has been a cornerstone to us and though he has his fair share of mistakes and failures..he has done a fine job raising us#though my mum still says”baba yenu amemfunza!!for every plate broken and any mistake done…women………and a man is as great as the kind of children he raises.
                   Today looking around me, I am surrounded by fine young men#maybe not so fine, its campus.Living in the blur of their youth..oblivious to the fact that someday#,if they aren’t already, they will be fathers,.To the guy opposite me,as high as a kite(who gets high on a Monday morning?)…what father will he be,He will probably have his son tattooed by the time he is 10# poor kid,The guy in class who always has something to comment on…probably the mzee type who you only call or talk to ,when your school fees is due…the fragile guy who looks like he is about to run every time he sees a girl…lets just hope you will get a wife before we even consider fatherhood for you.
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Fatherhood is a beautiful thing.Its a chance to be a complete man.To raise up a human being and see your achievements when they grow up to be meaningful people.It is the ultimate test of manhood.So today I hail all the men,who are struggling to bring up kids.From touts ,to security guards,to teachers,doctors,architectures.All the men struggling to feed their children and clothe them.To those in school,cramming for exams so their children may never want…I hail you.To the men who hold women in high regard,knowing that someday they will be the mother of your children…cheers.#i just had to include something feminist.And if you’re just a kid and fate got into the way of things and you are wondering how you are going to raise a kid… don’t run..men never run ,,they find a way,and hell that baby might be the best decision you ever made.#next time consider protection,just saying
                        Today appreciate your fathers…he may not be the best dad in the world but he is your father.Mistakes or no mistakes, we are human and we err..and sometimes the road to hell is filled with the best of intentions.So whether your dad is the super cool dads who let you drive the car and bring girls home and maybe buy you beer#poor parenting..or the”mzee”type where every handshake feels extremely awkward and you’ve grown up with daddy issues…appreciate them.HAIL TO FATHERHOOD.
Oh and am not really sure city boys should even be allowed to raise kids at all!!!#the born and bred of Nairobi,SMH!!!I have exams on Monday …back to my books …wish me luck.I haaate libraries arrrgggh!!!!!!

LETTING GO AND LETTING GOD

They say adversity is the dust heaven polishes its jewels.Ever sat and asked what God has laid out for your life?Ive found myself in this position.Just when you think you have it figured out,life surprises you.Its been a hectic month.The biggest surprise of all is me finding myself back to med school,a place I had sworn never to go back and after my promising law degree.Nakuru has taught me big lessons..Most of all you do not burn your bridges,for you never know if you may need them on your way back.I will miss my comfortable city life.For once in my life am facing the threat of a generation gap,this is when it hits you that youth can be deceptive.Above all ive learnt the beauty of friendships,people who stand by you despite everything,even at that moment when you think it cannot possibly get any worse.No matter how far you stray from God,He follows you all the way,all you have to do is turn back.Ive learnt the value of humility,and learnt earn to be part of a pack as the hunter always gets the lone buffalo.

I intend to face this new phase of my life with positiveness and gusto and hope for the best..It is all you can do while in med school.Build meaningful relationships with people who will stand by you.It may take a while getting used to the bad food and lack of civilization..Letting Go and letting God.For those of you who think am in the National Intelligence service due to the constant moving…nope…some of us just have more complicated stories that the rest.All i can say is…God does have a sense of humour.

WOES OF A CITY GIRL

This month marks my one year stay in the green city under the sun…Nairobi.I’ve always wondered why they call it that because the green is actually countable,forgive my poor history.I am one of the few …very few ‘poor’ people who live in the CBD..Yes, i can see The Hilton from my balcony..its not as glamorous as it sounds..and my first morning sounds are not of chirping birds but rather the wretched beeping of early morning buses seeking to overlap or some eerie distant siren.Its funny how quickly you graduate from the village girl to a typical city girl.I love this city…from the girls who appear mass produced from china thanks to the makeup and characteristic  dressing #the idea of decent in Nairobi is completely different in places like Nakuru) to the typical city boy…I am not talking of those who are here out of educational and job obligations ,,nope its the born and bred of Nairobi kind..the kind of boys your mama warned you about.They love their drinks ,toys and smoke anything illegal.Did you know you can tell if a girl likes you from the tone in her voice during a call.Learnt that here .You will be surprised how quickly one can switch from ghetto to sophisticated..the tone you get depends the size of your wallet…don’t get me wrong some really like you ,anyway now you know.But you cant blame a girl. Life in the city is expensive and a girl must set standards.The ridiculous heels and infamous barbie doll stunner looks come with a price#ask Vera and for those hating on her, give the girl a break, you would probably give your foot to be in her shoes.If you are thinking thats gold digging…thats is a balance of nature.The Nairobi guy or boy,is the kind of guy we want to hang on a pole and show them off to all your friends.Problem is he is probably dating  ALL your friends.Thin line between the main dish and the side dish.To live with this guy ,a girl needs to roll up her sleeves and put her foot down#ask Tasha a friend of mine who was shocked to realize her doting boyfriend had been side_kicking her with even her salonist;the nerve.It came to blows and the poor guy had the fear of God instilled in him on why you should not date a drama-queen if you are planning to cheat and NO she is not from Nyeri, the lakeside actually ..otherwise you will join my lamenting club of friends every Thursday on how guys are arses.Am told though the born and bred of Kariobangi, do not negotiate and neither do they buy coffee.Its take it or leave it for them,but can you blame a guy who has had so many hardships you can actually tell by their voice and language?Talking of language,what the hell is’ mavanga’..the language i will never get used to#the villager in me.

The fuss,the traffic,and the drama..all part of the package.From the cursed Unified buses ,which are driven with enough recklessness to give you a heart attack to the crazy Buruburu Sacco that plays as my mum puts it” demonic music” loud enough to put you in a daze and make you deaf,,to the really old Eastleigh buses#I have never understood why they all look like they are Juakali crafted.The never ending kanju battles and stubborn hawkers ,,you get accustomed to the tear gas .The attention seeking Gor Mahia youths..don’t we all just love their energy.It’s humorous how they bring the city to a standstill and lose to AFC Leopards#please don’t look for me and stone me.Oh and for the new-bees..holding on to your purse like your life depended on it isn’t always helpful..its only in Nairobi where someone asks you for your phone and you hand it to him.If you thinking you can negotiate,think about the medical bills and trauma that will be inevitable.Anyway better safe than sorry.The awesome hangout joints for both the party animal and the reserved ranging from clubs,to coffee lounges,awesome restaurants, theaters and many more.I must warn you though that they do come with a price..and if you have perfected seduction and flirting you will probably get them for free from the never drying pool of philanthropic male.When push comes to shove, we all do what we must do.All in all have fun..meet new people, fit in,sample the wide range of junk#ironical how everyone expects you to stay skinny in a place jammed with cake shops in every street.Most of all ,don’t get lost in the fast life..amidst all the noise listen to yourself and never let go of what matters.You will be surprised how well the city seasons liars.

No matter what you do do not call me up unless you are buying lunch and if you are lost please do not stand at the Kenya archives its already crowded as it is…My Nairobi